Stu Update Nov 22, PM

I have to take a deep breath every once in a while and remember God is in charge. Going a bit stir crazy here waiting to get to the reason we came so far, the Initiation shoot and learning there are other lessons to be learned along the way.

If we don't get our filming permits until later in the morning on Monday, we're going to see if there are any other buses going south. We had factored in a possible Tuesday departure from N'Djamena, but that would be really pushing it. We are told there are later buses going south on Monday. It just takes longer. We will have to stop probably 3 times at towns that have little mosques, so the Muslims can get off the bus for 15 minutes or so and pray. It will give us time to pray as well which we have been doing a lot of, which is great. It seems like I rarely have enough time to ever pray this much and just get prepared for the shoot and whatever God has for us. It's an edgy place to be, and I know that God wants me there, trusting fully in Him.

I'll keep you apprised if we are able to finally depart tomorrow. Rick and Monica, lifetime missionaries from Lake Chad have been here the last few days and have been a great help to us. It's been a huge and unexpected blessing to have them around and get their input and help. The team and I are grateful for the many prayers going out on our behalf. It is the only thing that is sustaining us, as God answers and works all things for good and His Glory.

Stu Update: 22/11/08 PM

A girl in a market place

Hi All,

Stu sent me the following letters, both for us and for you, and those on the Prayer Chain.

He is about 8 hours ahead of us here in the Pacific NW.

Hi All.

Rob and Mary took off for Lye today to tape indigenous worship music.
They are staying the night and then going to Mondou, tomorrow, Sunday.

Rich and I are stuck in N'Djamena while we await our shooting permits,
to shoot video in this country. Rich is also working on a paper for
college and is frustrated by the lack of high-speed internet access.
Hey, it's Africa.

Rich and I are shopping and putting together our own meals now till we
see Mary on Tuesday. Fortunately a missionary named Rick helped me
shop today. It would have been pretty tough without him, since they
speak only Chadian French and Arabic here, for business.

I've been bit by a few mosquitos already but have been staying up on
my Malaria meds..

Mary has been tolerating us pretty well. Rob is the most easy going.


What an amazing and challenging trip it's been so far. Thank you for
praying and please continue to pray as we endeavor to move forward.

Our three-man crew met up in Paris and continued on to the capital of
Chad, N'Djamena. Although our true destination is an 8 hour bus ride
south of here to Mondou, there are no other commercial flights in and
out of this capital of over one-million people, with the exception of
the many plain white U.N. planes that roar overhead on their way to
refugee camps near the Sudanese border and now even into the war-torn
Congo. N'Djamena is very different from Mondou. There are Muslims
everywhere here and they are generally curious and friendly, but there
are a lot of do's and dont's in interacting with them. In Mondou the
people are mainly animists, who worship the spirits of their long-dead
ancestors, and spend much time trying to appease them with sacrifices.

We were only supposed to be in N'Djamena a few days to work on the
script; the shot list, prep our video gear, do a lot of praying, and
most importantly get a handle on the culture and people of Chad.
Understanding culture is essential so that our interaction with the
actors and other people helping in this project will best help the
production move forward with the greatest amount of understanding, and
also minimize the misunderstandings that are sure to occur. The
Chadian authorities insisted that we get permits to shoot video in
public places, fair enough, but they are also purposefully dragging
their feet on it, although they "promised" our permits would be ready
on Monday. A few days later than we planned, but God is in control of
all, so we aren't sweating it.

As the production team we've had several long meetings over the
script, some of it very intense, as we've tried to grasp not only the
horrible physical, sexual and mental abuse that occurs in the custom
of initiation, but how Christians here respond and interact with those
in their tribes and community. Some of the things we've wrestled with
in the script, which was written by Chadians, has to do with the
accepted seemingly innocuous customs, and some with the way they
think. Our reasoning in the west tends to be very linear. You start
with a problem and work your way forward to a solution. In Chad, which
is very familial or tribal in nature, reasoning tends to be very
circular without much hard resolution ever appearing, or at the least,
taking a very long time. Every option seemingly carries the same
weight, and sometimes in a room full of peers (people your same age
and gender), the decision is arrived at by simply noting, "Who was the
last person to speak? We'll go with what they said."

Because the culture is tribal based, there is a definite hierarchy.
Older men first, then younger men, older woman, younger woman, then
finally male children and then female children. Interaction is limited
to dictating to others what you want them to do, and them saying,
"yes." Youth ministry is especially difficult over here, because
Chadian Christian leaders dictate the Gospel to the youth, without
allowing for any questions or interaction, which makes it even more
difficult to reproduce mature Christians that are excited about their
faith.

There are many things in the script that we are slowly beginning to
understand as a result of grasping these cultural concepts. I'm
usually reticent to make such a statement, but frankly some of the
things in this culture go beyond being different, they are just plain
wrong. We saw similar things in Uganda last year in the interaction
between husbands and wives that was not biblical, and we witnessed
amazing breakthroughs as we worked through those issues with them, in
light of the accepted standard, God's Word. Chadian Christian's need
some of those same breakthroughs in this culture as well. It has
really got me examining our own culture and the weaknesses we have
that we accept as O.K. There are plenty.

But the cultural warts in and out of the church here are real, and
they are part of the landscape and part of the script. It wasn't just
my imagination, some of the interactions in the script are just plain
don't make sense, but not to the Chadians. It's how they act and
interact each day.

As we draw closer to beginning the shoot the middle of this next week,
we have word that the opposition to our project is gaining momentum.
Much of it is spiritual. Witchcraft and Satanism are alive and well
here, much like in Haiti, another dark country. The threats that have
been received are of spiritual oppression, which has physical results,
and direct physical harm if this project is produced. The Christians
of Chad knew that when they signed on to this project, physical harm
would come and some may even lose there lives, especially as they take
the completed video out into the villages to show on portable DVD
players. We need to pray for them and emulate their conviction in
speaking out against the vile practice of initiation. They need
protection, courage and the filling of God's Holy Spirit. We all need
it now as the 45 actors and us, Rich, the director, Rob, our soundman,
Mary, the producer and me, the cameraman, finish the touches on the
script, and begin production this week. We have scheduled 6 intensive
days and some nights of shooting.

So if I could ask your prayers for the following essential items, all
of us here in Chad would be extremely grateful.

Prayer that all the actors would make it. Some are peddling their
bikes 50 plus kilometers over rutted dirt roads to Benigh where they
will assemble and leave for Mondou on Wednesday. Some are showing
reticence from their previous commitment to the project, which is
troubling.

Prayer for safety as we all travel.

Prayer for good physical health.

Prayer for rest.

Prayer for physical and spiritual safety for all, from those who would
want to keep this video project from ever being seen.

Prayer for wisdom in every aspect, that God's Hand would be upon us.

Prayer for unity.

Prayer that God would be Glorified now and forever as a result of this effort.

I'll try to send you an update when we get to Mondou, hopefully along
with a few pictures, so that you can see what we are doing and pray
even more effectively. I apologize for the long missive this time,
just a lot to report as we go into this production.
Thanks for your understanding and thank you so much from all of us!

That's all for now. I'm typing this ahead of time on my laptop so I
can quickly upload it without costing me any money. I'll use the
office computer at a blazing 12k upload speed.

It's 10:30 now. I'm heading for bed. Goodnight.


In Christ,
-Stu

Lovely meltdown and blow up

So my dad was here for a long time tonight. He began to lament about how much he adored Endora(one of his late wives and not her real name). He began to go on and on about how abused Deanna, (not her real name either) is, and I could see where he was going with that. (Deanna and her usband befriended dad shortly before he left Rhode Island. Deanna is veryoutgoing and friendly and "huggy" Dad misconstrues this for her "having the hots" for him, even though she is 20 years his junior.
Poor Deanna, she is of that Rhode Island behavioural pattern that trains women that they can't stand up for themselves, and that confrontation is bad. So she won't tell my dad how inappropriate his behaviours are toward her.

So basically he was going on about this krap tonight, and I called him on it. I told him point blank how he abused Endora (and my own mother) right in front of my very eyes on numerous occasions. I told him that his behaviour toward Deanna was inappropriate because she was A). Married, and B). 20 years younger than him and he was misinterpreting her friendliness, for attraction. He argued the point and then I launched, and there was no stopping me. I literally could not stop.

A friend asked me, "why does his little fantasies bother you so much, Michelle."

Well because he doesn't want them to remain as fantasies, and he is actively working out ways to make them reality. He wants to bring Deanna out here from Rhode Island. He wanted her to sleep in his bed with him when she escorted him back out here from Rhode Island. I offered her Blakes room so that she woudl have a choice and she JUMPED on it. I think she realised that he had the hots for her, and rather than correct him face to face, she looked for ways to avoid him without appearing to. It is the Rhode Island way: say what they want to hear, do what is expected.
So when she was here, she stayed in Blakes room and boy was dad pissed. But the thing is, he is a horrid, abusive old lech and he has been for all of his life. . He approaches women my age in the store and asks them if "they're husbands are good to them, because if they aren't then she (which ever woman he has picked out in the aisle) should come and find him." They laff and say "oh aren't you cute." And they look at me as I mouth the silent words "I'm so sorry," and they understand, and are gracious about it. But it is gross and wrong.
He speaks inappropriately in public about groping women in certain places and maybe I am wrong but I think that is just foul.

FLASHBACKS

I have been going to counseling to learn how to process his behaviours and attitudes, as well as my amazing lack of memories from childhood. I do have an occasional flashback to a childhood memory. This has begun to occur since he has moved back in to our house. Some times the strength of these flashbacks are enough to make me pull the car over, or stop me in my tracks. They usually happen in the car, or when I am doing something really lame like the dishes or the laundry and just going along my own way and suddenly it is like a daydream begins to unfold, playing out before my eyes like a movie, but it is very quick and jolting. Thats the only way to describe the sensation: a jolt. I experience a sense of realization that "hey, this did happen - I remember this now, and this really DID happen!" and then within a few hours or days, the memory is gone and I can no longer recall the details of it. Just the pysical reactions i had to the memory. To me, that just sounds weird.

For a while now I have doubted the validity of these random occurances, thinking, "Michelle, you are loopy. What makes you day dream about such horrible things? That cannot have happened. If it did, you would still recall it from the other day."
But after the last time it occurred, I realised that I was not loopy.
Can I recall the memory in the flashback today?
No.
But I DO recall the experience of sitting in the car remembering it.
It was stunningly shocking to me both emotionally and physically.
I remember my reaction to the memory, and not the memory it self.
Doesn't that sound like my imagination fabricating things that never happened?

If I were reading this same post, written by some one else, I would look at this whole flashback nonsense and think " sister you are full of crap. You have just manufactured this whole thing up inside your tiny little mind."

But you know what?
Strange enough to say, I don't think I have manufactured it.
I don't think I have a need to manufacture that sort of thing.
Anyway, crazy stuff.

My counselor told me that it is becoming very unhealthy for me and my family to have my dad living here with us. He makes my girls uncomfortable with the way he stares at them. He refuses to honour boundaries like knocking on the door, or walking around trying to look in our windows.
I feel like a prisoner in my own home sometimes : we all have taken to locking the doors and keeping the curtains closed, just to retain a little privacy. I have asked him to please knock on the door before coming in. He doesn't do it. Or if he does, he opens the door and knocks on it while he is opening it. So we keep the doors locked.

So anyway, back to the headline...

I did have a meltdown. I tiraded on my dad for his inappropriate sexual goals, and about his abuses, both recieved and given out. And what a pack of brutes he was raised by ; people who beat him for stuttering, people who beat him for being left handed. People who ruled by intimidation. People who yelled and screamed and hated their women. They were the people who taught him how to be a man and they taught him wrong.

I went on and on and on, I simply could not stop. It all came flooding out.
He was silent, and then he just got up and left.
I was so glad to see him go.
I want him out of here.

I don't know that I feel bad about letting fly at him.
I don't know that I don't feel bad.
Surely I wished I could have stopped, but I couldn't.
It was all just too horrible.
Iwas completely out of control.
And yet I do also feel VERY strongly that I needed to speak these truths to his face so that
he cannot get away with these pretenses, at least here, in my face.
I hate the word hate.
but I detest that horrid little man.
I worry about having other flashbacks.
I really don't want him here.
But the family in Rhode Island said, "You're the daughter. You have to do this. He can't live on his own anymore." S
o it was either my house or a senior center/condo/apt set up and he would not hear of that. (Only bad people make their elders go live in a place like that. Good people take their elders into their own home when they can't live on their own. This is the BS that people still live under. Well, in my mind, I don't buy that krap, but apparently in my actions I knuckle under to it because...because I am intimidated by...hmmm... my dad, his friends and extended family back there...guilt...all of the above?)

I don't ever want my kids to take me in.
I don't ever want them to go through this.
I don't ever want them to feel the have to.
If I can ever afford to live in a senior center, I will choose it in a heartbeat BEFORE I get to the decrepit stage.
But I don't have much hope of being able to afford a residential situation like that.
I wonder if there are state institutions that care for the elderly without resources?
(Hmm... have to check that out sometime.)

When I look at my dad, I think to myself, "this is BS. I NEVER want to live long enough to have my kids have to think about my living with them. I adore my kids, but I would rather crawl out into the forrest on a snowy night and die like a wounded animal than to have to put them through this kind of a agony.

I have done this twice now, for both my parents. They were both a "piece of work." And neither of them were people I liked.

Right now, strange to say it but, I am starting to view cancer as a friend.
It could actually be a boon, because then the problem would be solved. I would get to go home eternally, and my kids would not have to deal with this. I do not have the notion that I could befriend a bullet or a noose, or even a bottle of pills, but it is possible that I might welcome cancer some day. It would be an easy out. (Easy is probably not entirely the right word.)

The dilemma is this:
If cancer comes too soon, before my kids are raised, then do I seek treatment?
I mean, what if it were my only chance to get out of this world before I get too old? I might miss my opportunity?
But I would be compelled to seek treatment if it came before my kids were grown, because I do love them desperately and believe they need a mom for their growing up years. I am just not convinced that they would need me to be around for all of their adult lives.

Yes, it is a horrible, painful ghastly way to die, but it is a reliable way to die.
And it would not be of my own choosing, but Gods timing and control.
I don't think it is necessarily wrong to look forward to death. It is wrong to ACT on that belief though. But I don't think it is wrong to accept death when it comes either.

At least I say that today.
I may say something totally different as life goes on, and I (hopefully) become smarter or wiser.
Then again, I may not change that perspective. Who knows. Only God.