New Blog URL

The blog will be continued at the following address. Feel free to make note of it and make suitable changes. If you want.


http://stoptalkingimoutofaspirin/blogspot/com

That would be "stop talking im out of aspirin".
Of course, remove the slashes and replace with dots.

Everything, from the oldest blogbiscuit, to mettleworks and the old stop talking blog has been exported, imported, folded, spindled and mutilated to the new url.
Everything except the old North Canton Storm Door blog.


Why?

Because.

Photos of the Chad Shoot

These have come in since December 4th, and are of the crew on location.



Waiting for the next scene




Scene 12, take 2






Stu and white taped cam (to keep out the dust).









Lots 'o' Light





Rich Hunt and Rob Barrett at work.





The Final Scene

Stu Update from Dec 3rd

Hi all,

This is the first time we have been able to get a message out in a few
days. Cell phone and internet pretty sketchy here at best. By the
grace of God we finished up our shooting and completed the script that
ran to 42 pages. Thanks to one and all for their prayer support during
this time. We really sensed the presence of God on the set and there
was great unity and cooperation among everyone, despite the language
and cultural barriers. I have really come to love our Chadian brothers
and sisters and their great sacrifice, commitment and humility to
seeing this project to fruition.

We had a closing time of worship on the set during the last evening of
shooting (Monday) and it was a wonderful time. The head of the EET
churches (Evangelical churches of Chad) came down from N'Djamena to
worship with us and bring us a good word. He warned all the actors
that as they return to their villages not to speak
of what they have been doing (with the filming). He said that
persecution will come soon enough when the film is released across
Chad and everyone will know their faces, so not to speak of it until
it has been released. That could put the release in jeopardy and
authorities could step forward to block the release. The country is
run by a dictator, and graft, corruption and influence peddling are
the way things work here.

We faced one time of harrassment during the last day of shooting when
a local official from one of the nearby villages got wind and wanted
to know what we were doing. Since we were shooting at the TEAM
Ministries compound at that time, he was not allowed in, and the man
who was our guard, told this official to come back when someone in
charge was available to answer his questions. He was angry, but he
went away and if he did come back, fortunately we had already wrapped
the shooting.

The only injury on our last day of shooting was when I climbed a tree
for a high angle shot, and slipped and "barked" my shin up pretty
goood. Fortunately we had betadine there on-location and were able to
get my leg cleaned up. It seems to be doing fine and free of
infection.

The other big scene that day was the rape scene, where a young girl
was initiated, beginning with being raped by her father and then one
village elder after another. With input from our Chadian brothers and
sisters, it was conveyed in a manner that was realistic by inference
but done in a way so that it could be shown to Christians and
non-Christians anywhere. This is only one of the brutal truths of
initiation that must be exposed.

Rich and Rob leave Friday and I will be staying behind for another
week to edit. There is a lot of editing to be done. This will only be
the rough cut to show the EET and Brethren leaders and pastors that we
have stayed true to the approved script. The finished version will be
completed back in the states and mastered to DVD and VCD (video
compact disk).

Please continue to pray that the editing will go well (we have already
had some technical "hickups"). And pray for safety and health. Rich,
Rob and I spent time sick during the shooting, but were able to
soldier on due only to the many prayers that were going up on our
behalf, for which we are grateful beyond words. We also need continued
prayer for travel in a pretty crazy country. Last summer 3 TEAM
missionaries were killed in an auto accident not far from here.

But especially please pray for our Chadian brothers and sisters, who
even now as they return to their villages are starting to undergo
questioning from their village elders about what they were doing in
Mondou this week. It's hard for us to grasp as westerners the
difficulties they encounter when they proclaim the truth of the
Gospel.

Many, many thanks on behalf of all of us here for your prayers and
concern during this important project.

In Christ,
-Stu

Back Log of Stu Updates

Below is pasted a series of letters from Stu as they continue work on the Project in Chad, beginning with a phone update on November 26th and running through the next week and a half.

Stu's updates are in bold light blue.
Mary Stone's (our Chad contact) are in italicized light green

Stu phoned in with an update this morning:

He and Rich had an entertaining bus ride from the Chad capitol down to Moundou. He said the bus drivers go REALLY fast (80-ish?) on these unimproved roads, and at one point, they almost hit an ostrich! Wow!

So far they are all managing to remain healthy, so thank you for your prayers. Stu and Rich did wake up this morning with an interesting array of little red welts on their bodies, they think its due to some No-See-Ums biting during the night. They will sleep in Mary's house tonight and hopefully escape another night of it.

They would request prayer for the upcoming week:

The Actors:

Please pray that the actors will be able to arrive at the shooting location. They are coming from all over the place and there is MUCH warfare. They are being attacked and thwarted, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Please pray that everyone will be able to get there, and will be courageous to show up. Some were even getting cold feet, due to pressures.

-Equipment:

There is sand everywhere. Very FINE sand, and there isn't a Radio Shack nearby where they can replace components if they get ruined. Please pray there would be no equipment failure.

-Spiritual protection:

Chad is like Haiti in the fact that it is in such bondage. Demonic activity is rampant. Please pray for the protection of all involved - not just during the shooting but especially afterward, where the Chadian Christians will be taking this video out into the villages and showing it to the indigenous people. They will be setting themselves up for death threats every time they press the "ON" button on the DVD player.

-Energy Levels:

They have 5 days, from 5:30 am to 5:30 pm (sun-up to sun-down)to get all the shooting done. Its a lot of shooting. Please pray especially during the next week, for the health and energy of all participants. It is VERY hot and VERY humid in Mundou.

Please pray that every thing will flow smoothly.

They have almost no internet at Mary's. It is sporadic at best. Sometimes you have it for a little while, sometimes you don't.

All in all, things seem to be flowing along smoothly.

That is absolutely miraculous!

God is hearing your prayers and He is working all things to His plan.

Please continue to be a part of what God is doing in Chad by holding up in prayer, those who are there physically. They desperately need your prayers and we can rejoice with God, that He lets us be a part of what He is accomplishing in Chad!

Have a happy Thanksgiving!

In Christ,

Stu

Mary Stone Writes:

Wednesday, November 26^th

Hello again. Just another quick update to let you know how things are progressing with the f`lm and how you can be praying. We are praying and fasting today and tomorrow for all of the following:

PRAISE

· All 3 guys from the States (the Tech Team) and all their equipment arrived safely in NDJ despite the ongoing strike at Air France. They were able to bring and get all the equipment through customs with no problem and attained all the necessary paperwork.

· The actor who is in prison has been temporarily released to take part in the f`lm!
· Everyone is safely in M`undou as of yesterday lunch (meaning Mary and the tech team.)

PRAY

· There was some delay getting authorization to film here so 2 of the guys had to stay in NDJ to attain that last paper and did not arrive in M`undou until Tuesday. This puts a time crunch on the preparations since the plan was to work on setting up scenes etc. Monday through Wednesday. Pray for quick completion of these practical details.

· Pray for good internet reception, necessary to maintaining the prayer chain.
· Pray for unity, humility, sensitivity and a spirit of prayer between all involved as they work together. We are working with major language and cultural barriers. This morning Mary, the tech team, and the 2 Ch`dian script writers will be reviewing the entire script together. Pray for wisdom.

· Several key actors have not received permission to arrive tomorrow to begin filming (due to jobs, obligations, etc.). Please pray that any and all of these obstacles be removed from their path so that all the actors can arrive tomorrow (Thursday, 27^th) and filming can begin as planned. Please pray for safety as they travel.

· Please pray for the safety of the families of all involved.

Thank you for standing with us at the Throne of Grace. Please read 2 Corthians 10:3-5.

Love Mary

I rec'd the following updates, first from Stu, and then from Mary Stone.

They are pasted below, in that order.

Hi all,

Terribly slow internet connection here in Mondou. I was hoping to send
pictures, even small ones, but it won't happen tonight.

We just finished day 2 of shooting. 2 and a half more to go. Yesterday
was slow because of translation issues and some cultural
misunderstandings. This is Africa after all. We didn't roll tape till
after 9am the first day. That left us very behind going into today
quite a few pages behind schedule. We started shooting at 7:30 this
morning and finished at 5:30p (sundown), shooting practically straight
through, with a few quick breaks to catch our breath. We were able to
catch up though which was a huge answer to prayer. I think were all
suffering from heat exhaustion even though we worked hard at staying
hydrated today. My back is killing me, but hope to get good rest
tonight. Rich was sick last night, got him on Cipro and is doing fine.
Rob has been pretty exhausted as well. I'm feeling a bit queasy
tonight, but won't do meds until either I get worse, or start real
physical signs. It's a dark world over here with a lot of witchcraft
and people are very suspicious. If you even try to take a photograph
in a public area they harass you. Can't quite figure it out.

The Christians over here are great, very hospitable. Instead of
denominations, their churches are divided by tribes, which is
interesting, but even among Christians there can be a lot suspicion of
Christians from other tribes.

Overall the shooting is going very well, but the proof will be in the
edit. It's really dusty and dirty over here with a lot of cooking
fires and of course not having any paved roads for a city of 200,000
kicks up a lot of dust, so keeping everything clean and running is a
constant worry and chore.

We shoot the initiation re-creation scenes tomorrow as well as a rape
scene tomorrow night. It will be pretty intense, so we need continued
prayer for wisdom, cultural sensitivity, working equipment and
especially protection from the dark forces operating in this part of
the country. Initiation is a live and well over here, even for
Christians, I hope I can send pics before this is all over. It's
pretty crazy, but also a huge blessing to serve God and our fellow
brothers and sisters in Christ in this way. We pray that this project
can be completed and that God will use it to change lives.

Thats all for now,

In Christ,

Stu

Dear Beloved Prayer Partners.

Our Lord is a Good and Faithful God! We praise Him.

Life has been on high speed (as you can well imagine, since my brothers arrived on the 2oth)

The 21^st. We spent the day in Ndjamena, getting to know each other by sharing testimonies…. We had hoped to have the filming permits on Friday, but alas, it did not happen. With Rich’s needs for internet access to finish his course work, we finally decided that it would be better to split up. … so

22^nd, Rob and I left on Saturday morning to drive to Lai to do some sound bites. We got there about 3pm. Rob found the last 2 ½ hours of the trip rough as we were now on sand/dirt roads complete with large and regular potholds. But he was a great travelling companion and enjoyed the trip with joy. I had one Chadian friend and pastor with me as a prayer partner on the trip. As we were driving south, only we learned that his daughter (15 months) had been seriously ill and almost died in his absence. He had spent days fasting and praying for this project, and thus the enemy was giving out a full attack. God be praised (Elisha’s daughter was much more healthy by the time we got back to Moundou on Sunday.

23^rd. Rob, Elisha and I got up early and did some sound bites, in a couple of languages with bible school students. It was great, then we drove 15km (30 minutes) to church over very rough roads. God was faithful and we had a good time recording and being in the church service….. we had planned to leave Lai at 3pm with a car barge across the river, but the word of flexibility still carries weight as we were told that the barge was grounded in the sand and I had an extra 2 ½ hours drive back up north to the black top to drive south again. We got home at 8pm, rather tired.

24^th. Stu and Rich did not get the permits until late afternoon, so they stayed in the capital and left Tuesday am rather early. Rob and I and 3 Chadian brothers (Daniel, Justin and Pastor Malachie) spent most of the day getting the permission to get (Meurdé) out of prison on leave to join us for the camp/film project. God was so very gracious and by 1:30pm, he was free for 10 days, to come and stay at my house. Then we left for Koutou and began to work on building 4 lean-to’s. it was so late in the afternoon, that we only got one built and the 3 others, we traced out their positions.

25^th. Meurdé, Albert (my househelper), Rob and I went to Koutou to work on putting up grass mats as village walls and 3 lean to’s where people sit outside and visit. At 12:30p, Rich and Stu arrived, what a joy and blessing. We went back in the afternoon and finished up a little more of the scene set up.

26^th I had to drive to Deli to help out some church leaders and to pick up Ozias (Hosea) to come and help me with translation. We got back to my house at 7:30a. Then we began a 5 hour meeting with Stu, Rich, Rob, Daniel, Justin, Meurdé, Ozias and I. We went over the script line by line. To talk over all their ideas of changes and give cultural relevance at the same time. In the afternoon, Rob, Daniel, Ozias, Meurdé and I went back to Koutou to finish building the set.

27^th the actors arrived about 12:30p. we thanked God for the 25 or so that arrived, but there were still about 10 missing by late afternoon. We met with them on the set and tried to give them an idea of how a film shoot would work (take my word for it, it is hard work – not for the timid)

28^th we got to Koutou at 7:30 am. Some prayer warriors came and spent time with the actors early morning. I praise God for this strong arm of encouragement. We worked on the set all day until 5pm and came home. (there was 27 pages of script and we filmed about 9 pages). All during the day we still had many key character actors that had not come. But God be praised 5 of them made it by night fall…. Learning to film in a more professional style is a stretch, but I praise God for the training, prayer and wisdom of Stu, Rich and Rob and their willing servant’s heart.

29^th. Today we were able to get another 1/3 of the film shot. But the hardest part is tomorrow when we will be shooting Initi~tion. Please pray as the enemy will do all in his power to bring the work to a halt. We trust in God’s provision of prayer warriors to build of a tower of Godly protection that we can work in while we shoot vulnerable stuff. Pray especially that we would be invisible to the hand of the enemy and be able to pass, unperceived before others around that might think to do us harm.

To be noted the names of the actors have all been passed around Bein~mar with the idea of doing harm to them, and this is one key reason several people have not come.

Well, I have not been able to have internet access for a week, so I am grateful for this moment with you all.

Thanks for your love and prayers, I know that God has ordained this battle from ages past for the advancement of His kingdom.

May He encourage us all to go forward with Him,

Thanks for standing in the gap and praying.

Love you,

Mary, (for all the team: Stu, Rich, Rob and my beloved Chadian brothers),

Stu Update Nov 22, PM

I have to take a deep breath every once in a while and remember God is in charge. Going a bit stir crazy here waiting to get to the reason we came so far, the Initiation shoot and learning there are other lessons to be learned along the way.

If we don't get our filming permits until later in the morning on Monday, we're going to see if there are any other buses going south. We had factored in a possible Tuesday departure from N'Djamena, but that would be really pushing it. We are told there are later buses going south on Monday. It just takes longer. We will have to stop probably 3 times at towns that have little mosques, so the Muslims can get off the bus for 15 minutes or so and pray. It will give us time to pray as well which we have been doing a lot of, which is great. It seems like I rarely have enough time to ever pray this much and just get prepared for the shoot and whatever God has for us. It's an edgy place to be, and I know that God wants me there, trusting fully in Him.

I'll keep you apprised if we are able to finally depart tomorrow. Rick and Monica, lifetime missionaries from Lake Chad have been here the last few days and have been a great help to us. It's been a huge and unexpected blessing to have them around and get their input and help. The team and I are grateful for the many prayers going out on our behalf. It is the only thing that is sustaining us, as God answers and works all things for good and His Glory.

Stu Update: 22/11/08 PM

A girl in a market place

Hi All,

Stu sent me the following letters, both for us and for you, and those on the Prayer Chain.

He is about 8 hours ahead of us here in the Pacific NW.

Hi All.

Rob and Mary took off for Lye today to tape indigenous worship music.
They are staying the night and then going to Mondou, tomorrow, Sunday.

Rich and I are stuck in N'Djamena while we await our shooting permits,
to shoot video in this country. Rich is also working on a paper for
college and is frustrated by the lack of high-speed internet access.
Hey, it's Africa.

Rich and I are shopping and putting together our own meals now till we
see Mary on Tuesday. Fortunately a missionary named Rick helped me
shop today. It would have been pretty tough without him, since they
speak only Chadian French and Arabic here, for business.

I've been bit by a few mosquitos already but have been staying up on
my Malaria meds..

Mary has been tolerating us pretty well. Rob is the most easy going.


What an amazing and challenging trip it's been so far. Thank you for
praying and please continue to pray as we endeavor to move forward.

Our three-man crew met up in Paris and continued on to the capital of
Chad, N'Djamena. Although our true destination is an 8 hour bus ride
south of here to Mondou, there are no other commercial flights in and
out of this capital of over one-million people, with the exception of
the many plain white U.N. planes that roar overhead on their way to
refugee camps near the Sudanese border and now even into the war-torn
Congo. N'Djamena is very different from Mondou. There are Muslims
everywhere here and they are generally curious and friendly, but there
are a lot of do's and dont's in interacting with them. In Mondou the
people are mainly animists, who worship the spirits of their long-dead
ancestors, and spend much time trying to appease them with sacrifices.

We were only supposed to be in N'Djamena a few days to work on the
script; the shot list, prep our video gear, do a lot of praying, and
most importantly get a handle on the culture and people of Chad.
Understanding culture is essential so that our interaction with the
actors and other people helping in this project will best help the
production move forward with the greatest amount of understanding, and
also minimize the misunderstandings that are sure to occur. The
Chadian authorities insisted that we get permits to shoot video in
public places, fair enough, but they are also purposefully dragging
their feet on it, although they "promised" our permits would be ready
on Monday. A few days later than we planned, but God is in control of
all, so we aren't sweating it.

As the production team we've had several long meetings over the
script, some of it very intense, as we've tried to grasp not only the
horrible physical, sexual and mental abuse that occurs in the custom
of initiation, but how Christians here respond and interact with those
in their tribes and community. Some of the things we've wrestled with
in the script, which was written by Chadians, has to do with the
accepted seemingly innocuous customs, and some with the way they
think. Our reasoning in the west tends to be very linear. You start
with a problem and work your way forward to a solution. In Chad, which
is very familial or tribal in nature, reasoning tends to be very
circular without much hard resolution ever appearing, or at the least,
taking a very long time. Every option seemingly carries the same
weight, and sometimes in a room full of peers (people your same age
and gender), the decision is arrived at by simply noting, "Who was the
last person to speak? We'll go with what they said."

Because the culture is tribal based, there is a definite hierarchy.
Older men first, then younger men, older woman, younger woman, then
finally male children and then female children. Interaction is limited
to dictating to others what you want them to do, and them saying,
"yes." Youth ministry is especially difficult over here, because
Chadian Christian leaders dictate the Gospel to the youth, without
allowing for any questions or interaction, which makes it even more
difficult to reproduce mature Christians that are excited about their
faith.

There are many things in the script that we are slowly beginning to
understand as a result of grasping these cultural concepts. I'm
usually reticent to make such a statement, but frankly some of the
things in this culture go beyond being different, they are just plain
wrong. We saw similar things in Uganda last year in the interaction
between husbands and wives that was not biblical, and we witnessed
amazing breakthroughs as we worked through those issues with them, in
light of the accepted standard, God's Word. Chadian Christian's need
some of those same breakthroughs in this culture as well. It has
really got me examining our own culture and the weaknesses we have
that we accept as O.K. There are plenty.

But the cultural warts in and out of the church here are real, and
they are part of the landscape and part of the script. It wasn't just
my imagination, some of the interactions in the script are just plain
don't make sense, but not to the Chadians. It's how they act and
interact each day.

As we draw closer to beginning the shoot the middle of this next week,
we have word that the opposition to our project is gaining momentum.
Much of it is spiritual. Witchcraft and Satanism are alive and well
here, much like in Haiti, another dark country. The threats that have
been received are of spiritual oppression, which has physical results,
and direct physical harm if this project is produced. The Christians
of Chad knew that when they signed on to this project, physical harm
would come and some may even lose there lives, especially as they take
the completed video out into the villages to show on portable DVD
players. We need to pray for them and emulate their conviction in
speaking out against the vile practice of initiation. They need
protection, courage and the filling of God's Holy Spirit. We all need
it now as the 45 actors and us, Rich, the director, Rob, our soundman,
Mary, the producer and me, the cameraman, finish the touches on the
script, and begin production this week. We have scheduled 6 intensive
days and some nights of shooting.

So if I could ask your prayers for the following essential items, all
of us here in Chad would be extremely grateful.

Prayer that all the actors would make it. Some are peddling their
bikes 50 plus kilometers over rutted dirt roads to Benigh where they
will assemble and leave for Mondou on Wednesday. Some are showing
reticence from their previous commitment to the project, which is
troubling.

Prayer for safety as we all travel.

Prayer for good physical health.

Prayer for rest.

Prayer for physical and spiritual safety for all, from those who would
want to keep this video project from ever being seen.

Prayer for wisdom in every aspect, that God's Hand would be upon us.

Prayer for unity.

Prayer that God would be Glorified now and forever as a result of this effort.

I'll try to send you an update when we get to Mondou, hopefully along
with a few pictures, so that you can see what we are doing and pray
even more effectively. I apologize for the long missive this time,
just a lot to report as we go into this production.
Thanks for your understanding and thank you so much from all of us!

That's all for now. I'm typing this ahead of time on my laptop so I
can quickly upload it without costing me any money. I'll use the
office computer at a blazing 12k upload speed.

It's 10:30 now. I'm heading for bed. Goodnight.


In Christ,
-Stu

Lovely meltdown and blow up

So my dad was here for a long time tonight. He began to lament about how much he adored Endora(one of his late wives and not her real name). He began to go on and on about how abused Deanna, (not her real name either) is, and I could see where he was going with that. (Deanna and her usband befriended dad shortly before he left Rhode Island. Deanna is veryoutgoing and friendly and "huggy" Dad misconstrues this for her "having the hots" for him, even though she is 20 years his junior.
Poor Deanna, she is of that Rhode Island behavioural pattern that trains women that they can't stand up for themselves, and that confrontation is bad. So she won't tell my dad how inappropriate his behaviours are toward her.

So basically he was going on about this krap tonight, and I called him on it. I told him point blank how he abused Endora (and my own mother) right in front of my very eyes on numerous occasions. I told him that his behaviour toward Deanna was inappropriate because she was A). Married, and B). 20 years younger than him and he was misinterpreting her friendliness, for attraction. He argued the point and then I launched, and there was no stopping me. I literally could not stop.

A friend asked me, "why does his little fantasies bother you so much, Michelle."

Well because he doesn't want them to remain as fantasies, and he is actively working out ways to make them reality. He wants to bring Deanna out here from Rhode Island. He wanted her to sleep in his bed with him when she escorted him back out here from Rhode Island. I offered her Blakes room so that she woudl have a choice and she JUMPED on it. I think she realised that he had the hots for her, and rather than correct him face to face, she looked for ways to avoid him without appearing to. It is the Rhode Island way: say what they want to hear, do what is expected.
So when she was here, she stayed in Blakes room and boy was dad pissed. But the thing is, he is a horrid, abusive old lech and he has been for all of his life. . He approaches women my age in the store and asks them if "they're husbands are good to them, because if they aren't then she (which ever woman he has picked out in the aisle) should come and find him." They laff and say "oh aren't you cute." And they look at me as I mouth the silent words "I'm so sorry," and they understand, and are gracious about it. But it is gross and wrong.
He speaks inappropriately in public about groping women in certain places and maybe I am wrong but I think that is just foul.

FLASHBACKS

I have been going to counseling to learn how to process his behaviours and attitudes, as well as my amazing lack of memories from childhood. I do have an occasional flashback to a childhood memory. This has begun to occur since he has moved back in to our house. Some times the strength of these flashbacks are enough to make me pull the car over, or stop me in my tracks. They usually happen in the car, or when I am doing something really lame like the dishes or the laundry and just going along my own way and suddenly it is like a daydream begins to unfold, playing out before my eyes like a movie, but it is very quick and jolting. Thats the only way to describe the sensation: a jolt. I experience a sense of realization that "hey, this did happen - I remember this now, and this really DID happen!" and then within a few hours or days, the memory is gone and I can no longer recall the details of it. Just the pysical reactions i had to the memory. To me, that just sounds weird.

For a while now I have doubted the validity of these random occurances, thinking, "Michelle, you are loopy. What makes you day dream about such horrible things? That cannot have happened. If it did, you would still recall it from the other day."
But after the last time it occurred, I realised that I was not loopy.
Can I recall the memory in the flashback today?
No.
But I DO recall the experience of sitting in the car remembering it.
It was stunningly shocking to me both emotionally and physically.
I remember my reaction to the memory, and not the memory it self.
Doesn't that sound like my imagination fabricating things that never happened?

If I were reading this same post, written by some one else, I would look at this whole flashback nonsense and think " sister you are full of crap. You have just manufactured this whole thing up inside your tiny little mind."

But you know what?
Strange enough to say, I don't think I have manufactured it.
I don't think I have a need to manufacture that sort of thing.
Anyway, crazy stuff.

My counselor told me that it is becoming very unhealthy for me and my family to have my dad living here with us. He makes my girls uncomfortable with the way he stares at them. He refuses to honour boundaries like knocking on the door, or walking around trying to look in our windows.
I feel like a prisoner in my own home sometimes : we all have taken to locking the doors and keeping the curtains closed, just to retain a little privacy. I have asked him to please knock on the door before coming in. He doesn't do it. Or if he does, he opens the door and knocks on it while he is opening it. So we keep the doors locked.

So anyway, back to the headline...

I did have a meltdown. I tiraded on my dad for his inappropriate sexual goals, and about his abuses, both recieved and given out. And what a pack of brutes he was raised by ; people who beat him for stuttering, people who beat him for being left handed. People who ruled by intimidation. People who yelled and screamed and hated their women. They were the people who taught him how to be a man and they taught him wrong.

I went on and on and on, I simply could not stop. It all came flooding out.
He was silent, and then he just got up and left.
I was so glad to see him go.
I want him out of here.

I don't know that I feel bad about letting fly at him.
I don't know that I don't feel bad.
Surely I wished I could have stopped, but I couldn't.
It was all just too horrible.
Iwas completely out of control.
And yet I do also feel VERY strongly that I needed to speak these truths to his face so that
he cannot get away with these pretenses, at least here, in my face.
I hate the word hate.
but I detest that horrid little man.
I worry about having other flashbacks.
I really don't want him here.
But the family in Rhode Island said, "You're the daughter. You have to do this. He can't live on his own anymore." S
o it was either my house or a senior center/condo/apt set up and he would not hear of that. (Only bad people make their elders go live in a place like that. Good people take their elders into their own home when they can't live on their own. This is the BS that people still live under. Well, in my mind, I don't buy that krap, but apparently in my actions I knuckle under to it because...because I am intimidated by...hmmm... my dad, his friends and extended family back there...guilt...all of the above?)

I don't ever want my kids to take me in.
I don't ever want them to go through this.
I don't ever want them to feel the have to.
If I can ever afford to live in a senior center, I will choose it in a heartbeat BEFORE I get to the decrepit stage.
But I don't have much hope of being able to afford a residential situation like that.
I wonder if there are state institutions that care for the elderly without resources?
(Hmm... have to check that out sometime.)

When I look at my dad, I think to myself, "this is BS. I NEVER want to live long enough to have my kids have to think about my living with them. I adore my kids, but I would rather crawl out into the forrest on a snowy night and die like a wounded animal than to have to put them through this kind of a agony.

I have done this twice now, for both my parents. They were both a "piece of work." And neither of them were people I liked.

Right now, strange to say it but, I am starting to view cancer as a friend.
It could actually be a boon, because then the problem would be solved. I would get to go home eternally, and my kids would not have to deal with this. I do not have the notion that I could befriend a bullet or a noose, or even a bottle of pills, but it is possible that I might welcome cancer some day. It would be an easy out. (Easy is probably not entirely the right word.)

The dilemma is this:
If cancer comes too soon, before my kids are raised, then do I seek treatment?
I mean, what if it were my only chance to get out of this world before I get too old? I might miss my opportunity?
But I would be compelled to seek treatment if it came before my kids were grown, because I do love them desperately and believe they need a mom for their growing up years. I am just not convinced that they would need me to be around for all of their adult lives.

Yes, it is a horrible, painful ghastly way to die, but it is a reliable way to die.
And it would not be of my own choosing, but Gods timing and control.
I don't think it is necessarily wrong to look forward to death. It is wrong to ACT on that belief though. But I don't think it is wrong to accept death when it comes either.

At least I say that today.
I may say something totally different as life goes on, and I (hopefully) become smarter or wiser.
Then again, I may not change that perspective. Who knows. Only God.

A brief glimpse into my history, Chapter #47

I don't know how to write this.
I don't know how to open it, where to begin or even how come up with some sort of pithy or clever opening paragraph.
After mulling it over for more than a year, I have decided to just write it.
It will be ugly. It will be purgative. It starts out like this :

"Once upon a time, I had a dad."
(actually I still do, often to my frustration.)
My dad bugs me.
He just does. I suppose all parents bug their kids to some degree. I remember as a teen, I LIVED in my bedroom. When I came downstairs I didn't want them(tm) to even see me, if possible. I desired to be invisible to them(tm). I realise now, it was more avoidance of my dad. This has been a strange revelation to me. I first made a clear connection not long after he arrived here and began living in MacKenzies bedroom while waiting for his addition to be constructed. I observed a strange phenomenon :
When my dad came out into the house from his room, the girls immediately left the area and went straight to their rooms.
MacKenzie quit jumping on the trampoline soon after he moved in with us. When I asked her, "Why don't you jump on the trampoline anymore?"
She responded, "because it bugs me when Grampa sits there and watches me."
Scout also, made a comment when I asked her, " she didn't like being in the same room with him because he weirded her out."
I visited a counselor friend of mine, describing my own, inner thoughts and my experience as a teen and now I was witnessing this in my own girls, and I had NEVER SAID anything to them about my inner thoughts,or growing up years( at least as far as this kind of stuff went. I do not recall much of my childhoodand have only a few memories.)

The counselor said that it was a common reaction for people who are living with a person who is an extremely controlling personality. Now this surprised me, because my dad is controlling in the EXTREME but I had not mentioned it to the counselor.

Growing up, we were not allowed to have emotions. Only happy appearing ones. We were not allowed to cry. We were not allowed to be angry or upset, visibly in anyway. We were not allowed to ask questions in public. I think my dad thought that the phrase "Children are to be seen and not heard" was one of the original 10 commandments that someone just miss translated and left out. The typical answer when we did have the gall to ask a question was "mind your own business!" and " Do as I say, not as I do." Seriously. That is how we were raised.
There are MANY people who were raised like this. I fought long and hard to not do any of these things as a parent, to my own kids. Anyway, I find myself now, after 1.5 years of him living here, I too have an inner compunction bordering on instinct, to flee the room, or the yard or the garage when ever he comes near. When he is home, I stay indoors with the curtains pulled, and the doors locked. Why? Becuase he walks around the house looking in the windows. And he walks in the house without knocking. Maybe I am some freaky Westerner, but I believe in common courtesy. I know it is an eastern thing - for people to just walk in the house of close friends and family. Usually using the back door. I am sorry. We don't usually DO THAT out here on the west coast. Even after I moved out of my parents house, I still knocked on the door and waited for it to be opened or for someone to yell "come in!" before I entered.
I have spoken of this difference in culture to my dad, but he merely grunts, as if it is my problem for living here and he continues to not recognise boundaries.
So, I am sort of an emotional prisoner in my own home.
A prisoner of whom?
My dad?
Myself and my inability to cope with whatever strange heebie-jeebies come over me causing me to want to run from his presences on a gut reaction?
(Even my next door neighbor confessed to me that she doesn't like to go outside when he is out, because he stares at her.)

Now the fact that my dad is a lech is no secret.
His thoughts on women are culturally Latin. Women are only good for a very few things, and are certainly not worthy of respect. Only lip-service verbal respect is hinted at in public but there is no shoe-leather to it. That is why my dad sent my brother to college over and over and over again, even after he dropped out all those times, and he never sent me once.
I was the girl.
Why waste college money on me?
So, women have babies, they cook food, they put out, they wash clothes and be happy all the time when you arrive at the door after your day of work.
That is your job as a woman. If you are anything else, then you don't know your place.

Small wonder why my brother is the way he is.
He blames his disfunctions on Viet Nam, but I see ALL of the original blue print in my dad.
I NEVER saw that before, until I had to live with this old coot as an adult.
My brother is my dad in too many ways:

-Completely self absorbed - this is heightened in my brother

-Believe that he is NOT a man unless he has a woman on his arm - they both share this trait in equal measure.

-Greed with regard to posessions. They are both packrats and worship their belongings.
(While having a conversation with my dad last year, I mentioned that we don't really worry about losing private property, since we had already been through the house fire and learned that stuff isn't what matters in life, and so we don't worship it. He literally said, "Well you guys better learn to worhip Grampa's stuff!"
I was stunned inside, but I laffed aloud and said, "don't count on it." This is because of his impoverished upbringing and going through the depression and all. Still, its wrong thinking.

-Gluttony. This is more prevalent in my brother, but it exists in my dad too in the form of covetousness. He wants to own everything he sees. When he was a younger man, he was better at controlling himself, but now that he is old, he is not so good at that control.

-Pride and boastfulness. If you have don'e something, or know something, my dad and brother have done it already, bigger and better than you did or if they haven't then they know all about it anyway.

So there it is in its ugliness.
My first purging.
I don't wish to whine.
I don't wish to bring anybody down.
As I know it, there are only two people who read this blog, and I have nothing to hide from either of them.
But I need to purge.
I need an outlet.

If I had any worry, it would be most for Kimberly, girl I don't want to bum you out. You are such a light hearted and young person.
I just gotta do this. But I trust you to pray when you feel compelled. :o)

And Lehsa, you know me from waaaaay back! There is nothing I could share with you that would surprise you.

But I must leave off now - it is time for me to suck-it-up and call Gramps over to eat dinner with me and share a glass of wine, because that is the neighborly thing to do. The daughterly thing.

Maybe this discourse has proved nothing more than to show my own ignorance and self centeredness in processing my dad's behaviours. Perhaps it is I who is the small person. Conversely the thought pops into my head just now, that no body ELSE volunteered to take care of my dad. My Portuguese step family said, "You gatta doo this! Yoh the dahta!" My brohter the alcoholic, gambling and other addiciton -laden sot can't function enough to do it. Ofcourse he couldn't pull imself together 20 years ago to help take care of my mom when she was dying of altzheimers either. I moved onto my dads property in a single wide mobile home so I could help him take care of her.

Maybe I sound like I am patting myself on the back or having myown pity party - but dang it - I am frikkin tired. I am gonna vent here. So anyway, being the "good dahta" I am doing my duty right now. And I try not to complain, but sometimes it leaks. I leak.

The flash backs I have had, since he has come to live with us have been unsettling to say the least. Things that I neer thought about , that happened in my childhood. I would be driving in the car, listening to usic and all of a sudden a flood of images, and voices and emotions would take off in a really bad video short inside my minds eye. When it passes I find myself saying, "how did I dream that up?" and then the realization hits me, "That actually happened. You rememberthat now, don't you." I remember hiding under the bed, when my mom and dad - mostly my dad screamed and yelled into the late night, at my brother and each other. I don't remember the things they shouted. I just know that they were horrible and I was afraid for my brother, whom I loved. I now remember the smell of dust bunnies under the bed, and hugging the "PAcky The Elephant" that my Grandma had made for me and crying. (Packy was the first elephant born in the USA in a zoo. He was born the same year as I and he was born at the Washington Park Zoo in Portland, where I grew up.Grandma made a "Packy" for me and one for my cousin. Other kids had a teddy bear. I had Packy.)
I also suddenly and rather rudely recalled a time when we were going camping. I wanted to hold Packy on the front seat with me, in the cab of the truck. My dad said no, my mom said to me it would be ok, he didn't take up much room. I began to climb into the truck and my dad started yelling and cussing at me (I was 5) and he yanked me out of the truck, grabbed Packy and slammed him against the tire and Packy exploded. He cussed some more at me and told me to get into the truck before he "got out the strap." When we came home from the camping trip, I think my mom jumped out of the truck and cleaned up the remnants before I had to look at them.
This was one of those childhood memories I never remembered until the old man came to live with me.

And here I am, whining about how my stuffed animal got smashed when I was 5 years old.
Boo-hoo. Woe is me. I am now a 40-some-odd year old woman, I should ust get over it. So I did put that particular memory in its place. I don't dwell on it. I merely share it now as a means of purging and fleshing out the picture for myself and the poor reader of this tome.

Again, perhaps this missive merely points out myown shortcomings and self absorbed perspectives.

If so, then may it be so. The truth, while sharp as a two edged sword, is good to prune away bad growth and bring things to light.

Where Stu will be Going

Next month, around November 16th, Stu will leave for Chad, Africa for a very important video shoot.
The Chadian Christians, through TEAM Ministries, have asked him to come over and shoot what amounts to a short feature film. 45 Chadian actors have been conducting acting workshops and rehearsing the script for almost two years now. The subject of the film is very heavy, and exposing the vile custom of, initiation.

Many tribal cultures have a rite of passage for their young people, some rather benign and some unimaginably cruel. The initiation that young Chadians “participate” in (they have no choice in it) is done at the urging of the chief and tribal elders. In some tribes the initiation is done yearly, in other smaller tribes, initiation is performed or perpetrated about every three years.

Although it varies slightly from tribe to tribe in its execution, this is basically how it works.

I’ll warn you the thought of it is graphic in the extreme.

The chief will approach the family of kids who are in the 12-17 age range. He’ll declare to the father it is time for the initiation, and to pay up for the privilege to have his children initiated into the tribe as adults. It can cost a family dearly, up to half of their family’s yearly income, doled out to the chief in chickens or goats, cattle or grain and flour.

The initiates (boys and girls are initiated separately) are led into the woods for what amounts to a week of abuse. The boys are beaten and intimidated by the elders, forced to sleep on the ground and are often deprived food, water and sleep. Some of the abuse is very sexual in nature, some of it is simply horrifying. At night, elders scream from the woods as incarnate long dead ancestors, yelling curses on the initiates to obey the chief and elders. If they do not, they will come back to repeatedly haunt them. The goal is to break the spirits of these young men and to make them absolutely subservient to the chief and elders. Torture, trauma and brain-washing is a better word for this process. Once the young men are initiated (broken really) they are beholden to the elders for direction and their place in the tribe.

For the young woman, the process is the most profane thing imaginable. They are exposed to the same rituals as the young men, but on usually separate nights, the father of one of the girls will join the elders around the fire away from the girls and get drunk. Then his daughter is pulled away from the other girls and the father goes and has sex with her. If that isn’t bad enough, then the rest of the elders have sex with her that same night sometimes beating and choking the girl. In a small tribe that could be as few as 8 elders or in the larger tribes that could be as many as 40 or more men in one night. The message is, you are no more than property, a thing to be used, and to do the bidding of the men in the tribe. These young women will have no real will of their own their entire lives.

The sad part of this is that way too many Christian families are caught up in forcing their kids into initiation, as unbelievable as this sounds. The reason: to resist initiation is to be ostracized from the tribe, friends and extended family.

The video we produce will follow a Christian and non-Christian family as they wrestle with sending their kids to initiation. It will depict the initiation process (inferring rather than showing the more graphic elements) and the voices of the dead ancestors (elders), and uncover the lies, deceit, greed and evil that is initiation. Having once been initiated, you are forbidden to ever mention the process to anyone, even other initiates, or risk the wrath of the ancestor’s spirits and the wrath of the chief.

This is such a huge and sensitive cultural issue in Chad, that the script had to be approved by all of the major evangelical organizations in Chad. Some were even reluctant at first to be involved (the Catholic Church decided not to sign onto the script). Biblically though, these evangelicals realized they had to take a stand against this great sin that was keeping both Christians and non-Christians in darkness and bondage.

Mary Stone is a dear friend and missionary to Chad, and she recruited me to produce this project. Along with Richard Hunt, a friend and director from Houston, and Rob Barrett, a soundman from Minneapolis, we will spend about 10 days in actual production of the project. The national language of this exceedingly arid and poor country with 9 million people, and 3 times the size of California, is French. The script is in French (with English in sidebars), and no, I don’t speak a lick of French. Richard speaks a little, but we will rely on translators and the script to keep us from getting lost.

I have not produced a project where I have felt so much darkness and oppression in the air. Obviously we are stepping on ‘someone’s’ turf in this undertaking. In the past two years many obstacles have come up to end this project before it begins. One of the main actors, a Christian, took on a 2nd wife several months ago. I am being told of other issues regarding some “temptations” among the actors that would keep this project from being produced. I sense some of those temptations as well on the crew end, especially with fear. We need to be covered in prayer for direction, health, safety, unity, gear that will not break down and Christ’s heart for our Chadian brothers and sisters.

When this project is completed, it will be used by the Chadian Christians only (this is their project) with portable battery powered DVD players and even small gas-powered video projectors they will take into the villages. I know the opposition they will face when they do this has all the potential to be met with a very violent response.

Although the budget for this project has come in at $32,000, (and which all has been raised) covers a huge variety of expenses including transporting, feeding and housing 45 actors for over a week, and our plane fare and transportation, the cost of mastering and duplicating DVDs; Yet still, it is still a shoe string budget.

A few productions costs have come up though that I didn’t anticipate, that leave us about $1800 short, with less than a month till we depart for Chad. Most of these costs are for very specialized pieces of video gear, some unforeseen travel expenses and a few expendables (props and objects that will be used or destroyed in the process of production) and that we will need, to shoot a realistic story in this very hostile environment. (I was told how to spot a poisonous snake in Chad. “They’re all poisonous, so get away quickly.”)

Any funds you feel led to give can be mailed to or dropped off at Sisters Community Church (the address is below). Please note, “Chad Video Project” on the memo line if it is a check.

I have never felt this more than with this project, but we will need your ongoing prayer for this project. This last spring one of the TEAM missionaries was kidnapped in Northern Chad (far from where we will be), and after 6 months, thankfully released. In July, 3 TEAM missionaries were killed on the highway where we will be traveling, in a horrific bus-car accident. So the dangers are real, both in a physical and spiritual way. I would really like to be assured that people here in the USA are praying for us. Mary Stone’s house which is where we will be staying in, in Mondou (pronounced Moon-do), has some sort of a dial-up internet connection, that at 12k transmission speeds (think 1985) won’t break any records, but will get the email in and out.

I’m looking forward to having you be a part of the team and praying for us. You are integral to the success of this project. Thank you for your prayers.


Stuart Ehr